un-orphaned

Today, Sunday November 6th, was Orphan Sunday.  At church Mike talked about how we all have known what it is to be orphaned, to feel alone, abandoned, and afraid.  Many of you who know me, know that I have struggled with this a lot in my life.  For those of you who don't know me that well, my dad is a very hard worker.  I'm always proud of this work ethic in my dad.  The downside of this was, that while I was growing up, I felt alone and abandoned by him.  He was working in many corners of the state, working at home(the few hours he was able to be home a week), working at church, doing paperwork when he was home. I didn't see my place in his life. I felt unimportant.  I felt neglected.  I felt worthless. 
My dad did not know I felt those things.  He loved me and was loving me in the best way he knew how, to provide for us and work hard.  He didn't know my heart was breaking for his influence in my life.  I needed to know that he cared, that I mattered to him, that I was worthwhile.  Even now, as I write this, tears fill my eyes.  I didn't know it, but I was an orphan. 
For a long time, I couldn't see God as Father, let alone Abba, Daddy.  I had this picture in my head of God-The Architect of the universe, busy, looking over plans with other important godly figures in heaven.  I was sitting in His line of sight, my knees pulled up close to my chest, rocking back and forth, watching, waiting for a look, a glance, maybe even some contact.  He did look at me.  He did see me, but I never saw us interacting beyond that.  My heart was still not desired.
Several years ago, God met me and revealed Himself to me as Father.  I saw that I was not alone, that I was infinitely loved and cared for.  Provided for and seen.  God showed me this through His word, through friends who could share this truth with me, and in times of quiet with Him.  However, I did not trust Him enough to let Him be my Abba, my Daddy.  That felt too personal, too risky. He still felt distant somehow, loving, but not close.
While I was in the Institute in Uganda, we came to the section where we looked at God as Father, as Daddy.  Keith challenged us to call God Daddy, to come very close and see that all of the striving for love had it's end in the arms of God.  Even as Keith talked, I cried, and sobbed, and heaved.  I wanted God to be my Daddy, but that still seemed unsafe.  I couldn't trust Him that much.  A distant but loving Father was familiar and predictable.  A Daddy was new, different, and closer to my heart than even I knew.  Even as I wanted to reject God as Daddy, my heart was crying out for Him to be just that.  A Daddy who knew me intimately, who loved me relentlessly, who let me know Him and was available.  That's what I never had.  A dad I felt was available.  Uncle Paul was teaching one day on this and said of our God, "He's always available".  That hit me like a ton of bricks.  Really, always available? The Architect of the universe not only knows my name but is always available, to me?  Uncle Paul said it again the next day.  God met me.  He spoke to my fears of always being fatherless and alone.  This is my journal entry, 2/22/11, a day that I became un-orphaned,
"Sweet Daddy, thank you for teaching me about Yourself and the type of Father that You are.  You are available.  Available! I never dreamed that I would have an Abba (Hebrew for daddy) who was always available to me.  You say You will never leave me or forsake me and You are always with me.  Your attention for me is not interrupted or distracted.  How can that be??  You have a universe to run!!  You have placed all Your love and grace and resources on me, for Your glory, that I might bring You glory Lord!  You have called me Sought After and I have always felt anything but.  However, I keep hearing You say it to me, and calling me by my new name, Sought After.  It's hard to believe that You are so good, after that- how good You are to me, after that-You call me by name, after that- You are my Sweet Abba.  You are my Sweet Abba and You love me! and I love You.  My love is so little and fickle and shallow..... Help me to live as a daughter who is Beloved and Sought After, not as an orphan or a slave.  You have brought me into Your house.  You have chosen me and You chose me before the foundation of the world.  You have an inheritance for me and that Inheritance is You.  How amazing and wonderful and marvelous You are!  You are enough for me.  Your Daughter, Jenny"
Today, on Orphan Sunday, I am un-orphaned.  I am a daughter of the Most High God, and as He has given me in Isaiah 62:12, "They will call you the Holy People, the Redeemed of the Lord; and you will be called Sought After, a City No Longer Forsaken". 
This is what I long to share with every person who will listen, for every person who has felt and known that loneliness and despair, that you have a Daddy who loves you, and no matter what experience of fathers you have had in this life, you are not unloved, or unimportant, or neglected.  You have a Father who longs to show You his full attention, love and grace. 

fullness

I am so full of so many things right now.  I am full of gratefulness that I am so loved by my Katonda, Creator God.  I am so full of joy that I was able to spend almost 6 glorious months gazing on the face of God in Uganda.  I am so full of joy to be home, sleeping in air conditioning and having hot showers and being surrounded by old friends with hearts full of love to have me home.
I am also full of sadness when I think about all that I love and miss in Uganda.  I'm full of so many emotions its hard to talk about them most of the time.  I find myself wishing a lot that I am other than how God made me.  It would be so much easier not to be so full of, well, life.  I am convinced that this abundant life I have been given in Christ is to be full of many things, not just an abundance of good things, although it is.  Its supposed to be full of all of life, glory, sadness, laughter, joy, pain, sorrow, love, wonder, etc...  Sometimes, we get so full, its hard to speak.
I'm full of awe at all God did in me during my time in Uganda.  I'm so embraced in His love, in ways I can't quite put words to most of the time.
So many of you have so many questions for me, and most of the time, I don't know how to answer.  I'm getting words, but it is slow.
How can I describe such beauty as I have been given in so many people and places and words and sights for such a long period of time?
How can I tell you of the amazing way the former child soldiers worship at Kobwin?
How can I tell you about how much I miss the sound of my boys pounding in the metal posts to play football (soccer) on Sunday afternoon?
How can I tell you about my girls running around laughing?
How can I tell you about worshiping in two languages, two-yet somehow single hearts of love being poured out to such a great God as mine? 
In what way can I make you understand the privilege of gazing long and deep into God's heart for everything that concerns us as  humans?
Conversely, can I express the joy I feel at seeing my godchildren play around me and seeing their smiles?
Do you know how good it is to see God's glory expressed in the varying shades of green in wide open spaces reaching up Pikes Peak?
How do you spell out the goodness of people confessing how they prayed for you, loving you on their knees?
How comforting it is to hear my mom's calm voice on the phone more frequently?
The power of those who have known you for so long, loving you and helping you process, yet helping you be present where you are?
All of these things are invaluable.  All of them precious.  All of them, beyond the words that I have at the moment.
I don't know if I've ever been so full. Its so wonderfully hard and good at the same time.
Thank you for listening, for loving me, and for praying for me and with me. I have pearls and diamonds to share with you, you'll just have to wait to see them revealed.  In the meantime, please keep sharing the treasure you are with me, its one of the great things that fills me up.  

life in Uganda

I have two months left here in Uganda before the institute ends. That seems shockingly close. I feel like I just got settled, learned a little Luganda, making friends, understanding life a little better. I want to see all of you people back home, but I want you to come here so I don't have to leave. Can you all just do that for me? That would be great, thanks. You would love it.

What is life like here?

Well, the sun rises and sets every day here at pretty much the same time and in the same place. The sun is always up by 7 am and down by about the same time. Equator life revolves around the sun.

Before the sun is rises, you begin to hear all of creation stir. The chickens are calling, the oxen are mooing, the cicadas start to sing. The sun is generally a beautiful orange color when it first comes up. Not long after the sun is up, you hear the kids heading off to school for the day. They are all dressed in their royal blue uniforms and not long after arriving at school you hear drumming and excited kids singing to begin the day.

I am out of bed, getting dressed and washing my face before breakfast. I look in on Valerie (my roommate, love her!) to see if she is up yet. I head up to breakfast with a few schoolmates-Jenny, Collin and Medie. We are usually eating bread, sometimes its frozen, sometimes thawed and I decide whether or not I'm eating that, or ramen noodles for breakfast.

I head back to my little three room banda and finish getting ready, the usual, doxy so I don't get malaria, happy pills and vitamins, brush teeth and put on make up if I have time.

Head to class and have quick study of the chronological Bible before jumping into the day's topic. About an hour and a half in, I either desperately need to pee or I start to fall asleep. It's a lot of sitting for long stretches, and I'm still not used to it. We break at 10:30 for tea time, which is milk tea, and a snack. Then back to finish class until lunch which is at 1. Lunch is at 1 because the African way of telling time is different. The sun comes up at 7(or 1 in African time), so midday is actuallyw hen the sun is overhead, therefore, lunch is at 1 instead of 12.

Our class is small, only about 13 people. We have covered such topics as worldview, fear, racism, Old and New Testament, counseling, the Fatherhood of God, Biblical man/womanhood, suffering, child rearing, and hell, just to name a few. God has changed me in so many ways and challenged me more than I thought possible through this institute. I thought I knew most of this stuff, I went to Christian college, right? No, I only knew in part, and Mukama (God) has revealed Himself to me and showed me the depths of my sin and His amazing love and grace over and over again in each of these areas. He is so good.

If it's not my day to dishes, and its a Monday or a Thursday, I head up to the clinic where the special needs school meets. Brian squeals with joy when I walk through the door and he immediately wants me to get him out of his wheelchair and go outside to look at the “cockos” or chickens. I then help Kakulu to learn how to use his right hand, or help little Allen take her fingers out of her mouth, or make Ivan smile. Then they all pack up to go home and I take Kakulu or Brian to Hasan's house (a special needs equipped home). I head over to Kim, my mentor's home. We sit on her back porch which overlooks just a few trees, some green grass and an enormous blue African sky with dramatic clouds. She lives at the secondary site and from her porch we watch animals like little deer or birds play while I share what God is teaching me, I'm struggling with, or she shares with me about her week. God has met us there many times as He gently reveals things in my life that aren't yet made beautiful through His love. When we see the cows and the sheep with their little ones come by to graze, we know its close to dinner time. As I walk home, the journey is filled with, “Jabale ssabo/nyabo” (well done sir or ma'am), to which they respond, “Kale. Jabale nyabo”, and I say “Kale” (Kale is like yes, it's good, thank you, and ok depending on the context).

If its Wednesday, I try to join the kids in the garden to dig. We use the hoe(which I need to retrieve from them by the way) to clear out the weeds or plant a new crop. I work beside the kids and they ask me all kinds of questions, usually about two things: what is it like in America(do you dig in your garden Auntie? Eee! No? Then how do you get food?) or about God and how to tell if He is speaking to you. If I'm asking the questions I want to know where the kiddo is from, if their family is alive, what they want to be when they leave here, and what to the wrestle with God about. Unless of course we are just somehow teasing each other.

I leave for dinner and then to shower outside with what little daylight is left. Hopefully the water sat out long enough to get somehow warm.

Once the sun goes down, the sounds of African worship start to fill the air with sounds of drumming and children singing to Katonda (the Creator) before evening devotions and worship. Its such a great thing to live around children singing praise to God, in their language and with the specific culture God gave them to worship Him. I love it. I can't believe you all are missing this. Life is just right, not to busy, but not boring. There is time to value what God and all Ugandans value the most, relationship. Time is secondary.

My evenings at home I see the geckos eat the bugs (I wish they would eat more), do homework if we have any and then get to bed at a reasonable time (I CAN go to bet at 10:30, who knew?).

There are challenges, times of laughter and joy as well as sorrow, but it is all under the hand of my Taata (Father) God. He is sooo good, and I am so blessed to be given this opportunity. Thank you all for your prayers and gifts to get me here, and see me through. I couldn't have done any of it without any of you.

hard work

Since I wrote to you last, I have harvested maize by hand in the hot African sun.  I have cleared half of a maize field.  I have helped slash a field for plowing.  I have ox plowed said field-and then let the boys take back over, since my rows weren't straight.  I have also driven the oxen, that was a little easier.  I love hard work, and I love working on a farm.  Who knew I would love it so much?  It is so good to work hard, but work hard in a way that is immediately visible and uncomplicated.  A field needs clearing, so you clear it.  The maize needs harvesting, so you harvest it.  No politics involved, no complicated issues that make your head and heart hurt, trying to find the lesser of two evils.  It is great.  It accomplishes something important, people get to eat.  Kids learn to work hard, and I learn about them.  It's just good.

Wow, it has been an amazing month!  God has done so much, and I don't even know how to tell you about all of it.  Before I left, in a flurry of activity, I had become so busy with holidays, trip prep and all that I didn't spend much quality time with God.  Then, when I got here, although I could see Him at work here, I wasn't able to sense Him.  That's a problem.  What am I doing here if I am not following Him?  and how can you follow someone you've lost track of?  How is He to be God in my life, if I am too busy with myself to really talk to Him?  So I began praying that God would be my God.  I asked Him to send into my life that would keep Him at the center.  Here is how He is answering that prayer:

Our first couple of weeks, we were sharing our testimonies about how we came to know Jesus as Lord and Savior, things we had been through, good and bad.  Then we began talking about worldview, African and Western.  It was so interesting to see how each culture developed it's particular sets of thought and reasons why each set of people think, act, behave.  I knew I had been shaped by my culture, but had no idea just how much, and how much permeates our churches.  Who is shaping our worldview?  Is it this world, or is it the person I like to call God?  Unfortunately, it's not Him as much as I had hoped.

The next week or so we talked about fear, and how our experience, or someone else's, also shapes what we internalize about not only our culture, but just my daily life, and why I do what I do, what fears do I hold that drive me?  We watched a good portion of "The Villiage", which if you have never seen, I highly recommend.  It displayed fear and reality in ways I would have thought of.  It was very challenging.

For the last week, we have been talking about God's kingdom and ours, God's righteousness and ours.  This was very much about what motivates you to do what you do, and who you do it for.  This is where it starts hitting me where I live.  I had lost track of God in trying to prepare to serve Him.  I was working on my kingdom, and with all of the "you are such a great person for doing this thing in Africa" stuff, it was easy to do.  I was pretty full of my own good acts (righteousness) and my own activity (my own kingdom) and didn't really need God for people to think I was a good person and cool and impressive and all that stuff.  The problem with that is, I'm not powerful enough to save myself, and I'm not powerful enough to live a life that is truly honoring to God, however it looks on the outside.
Also during this week we were confronted with Me-ism (putting myself at the center, looking at the world through my lens) and how we judge everyone else based on the standard of me, not of God, or any good thing, just me.  I can't love when I'm busy judging and comparing.
Next we talked about racism and I had to confess that I have prejudice against African American men, based on some of my work experience, some of media experience, but whatever my "justification" is, its still sin.  It is still me judging someone with out knowing them or loving the way I have been loved by Christ. 
We talked about ethnocentrism, how we believe our culture, or our tribe, is the best one and everyone should think, look, act the way I do.  Yikes. On this day, we got with someone of a race different than ours, and we prayed and confessed to one another our sins in the area of racism.  I prayed with an Ugandan woman named Grace.  We prayed, we confessed, and God moved her to sing, "Create in me a Clean Heart", which we sang together.  It was such a beautiful moment, and we committed to be friends after that.  It was a God breathed moment I wouldn't trade for anything.
wait, its not over yet...
Last, but not least, we talked about our idols.  Idols are the things that I use to define my life, that take God's place, to make sure I am getting my needs met in my way, to make me comfortable.  With idols, there is no room for God to be God.  At the end of all of this, we spent time confessing to one another about hurts we have based on being judged for our culture, race, ethnicity.  It was a very humbling time, and God moved in all of us to confess to one another how we had hurt each other, how we have judged each other, and then we asked for forgiveness.  The Spirit of God was there, as we ended with confessing and forgiving.  Keith (one of my teachers) ended with scripture talking about the oneness God desires for His church, how there is no difference, we are all part of one another, and one of the students pointed out that the last thing Jesus asked God for before He was crucified, was that we would all be one in Him.  It was so beautiful, I wish you all could have been there. 
God showed me personally about several of my idols, namely, trying to look like a good person who loves God while I do my own thing, spending money the way I want-simply because I can, living for comfort, swearing-as I like to do too often, and desiring a husband and family more than God-and for my own reasons, not for the kingdom, and not for them-to bless them. 

All of this to say, God has been moving in my heart and mind and soul, and all of your prayers are carrying me though this time of examining my heart, and holding it up His light and love, and not being pleased by what I see. So, after all of this, God showed me a picture.  I was seeing myself, kneeling before Him with all of these worthless things, telling Him about my sins.  He showed me that instead, He was on the throne, I was on His lap with my head on His chest, telling Him my sins, and although He already knew, He was smiling as I was speaking, stroking my hair and giving me the grace I was so in need of.  It is so good to be loved by the King, and the hard work is worth it.

Dance!

I just have to tell you all about tonight.  It was so cool!  If this post had a sound track, it would be David Crowder's song, "Church Music-Dance" on his church music album.  Bty, it is a dance song in EVERY sense. The whole ministry is here for Envisioning and so we had a meal together.  Ever year they choose a different kind of food.  We had western Ugandan food.  There were 9 dishes all together, so there was a TON to eat.  The women sat on the floor and the men sat on the benches.  The men had their hands washed first and ate first.  Back at the ton of food, on my plate was all 9 dishes, including some sauce you put on everything.  My plate was heaped full, think Thanksgiving times 3.  I couldn't finish it all.
Next we took all the mats out and benches out to learn some traditional dancing.  They explained how the dances were usually to other gods, or to the animals themselves, but that we were dancing and singing for Jesus, because He has the victory and we want to thank Him.  What came next was so much fun!  There was all kinds of singing, dancing and clapping.  Everyone was so free and had so much fun.  There was laughing and just joy.  I was smiling and laughing and clapping, and I realized how good God is, to have brought me here.  I was so full of love and joy and laughter, I almost cried, but I just focused on having fun instead.  I could feel God's pleasure in all that we were doing, and how touched His heart was, at His children singing and dancing so freely for Him, in a way that He created in the western Ugandan culture.  I have never felt this kind of joy and freedom in America, to revel in Him in this way.  How great His light shines, especially when we just enjoy Him and celebrate!  We have so much to celebrate in our Lord Jesus, but how often do we do it?  How often do we even let ourselves feel that kind of joy, joy and peace that can only come from knowing that your sins are forgiven, that we are free in Christ, and we have peace in our hearts.  All of this should set us free to dance. Dance, for you are free!

making it

So, I'm here!  I have been here for a week and some change.  I am currently sitting in the dark, because the power is out.  I am blogging by candlelight and hearing the bats in my attic make their noises.  Two nights ago, I had a bat in my room.  I'm not gonna lie, I was calm at first and then screamed when it was flying around after I got out from under my mosquito net.  I could not then return to my room and go back to sleep, and I can always, always sleep.  Here I am, in Africa.  I'm not in Kansas anymore!  I love everything, except the bat in my banda (Luganda for my little cabin type dwelling).
I got to meet up with my family group today, it was a lot of fun.  This family group has about 18 kids, but only 5 girls.  I was talking to them while they did their laundry and when they were done, I asked them if they wanted to touch my hair.  (I was guessing they hadn't ever felt a muzugu's hair before)  They were very excited and loved how soft it was, (I don't have a blow dryer, therefore, no gel, therefore, baby soft hair) and they started putting it into microbraids right away.  I asked them to tell me a story.  One girl named Martha was telling a story about a monkey, a lion, and a chameleon.  The lion was doing all of this work in the monkey's garden, but then the monkey wouldn't share any food with him.  She kept going from english to luganda and the other girls were laughing.  It was so fun just to sit with them and learn about each other.
I'll be seeing my family group about 5 times a week, so it will be great to have meals, devotions and just play time with everyone.  I can't wait to see how God speaks to them, and through them.
Speaking of God, things were so busy before I left, my prayer life went down the drain.  Tonight I was able to spend a lot of time before Him, just praising, confessing, thanking and uplifting, and I can't begin to tell you how great it was to confess my sins and receive His grace.  It was so good to just be close to my Father, and pour out my heart and feel His love and presence. 
God is definitely in this place.  His love is everywhere I look and His name is revered.  One of the classes that graduated a couple of years ago, had a retreat/reunion time this weekend in Kampala.  I was so impressed with what they chose to give their time to.  They got caught up, but more than that, they took time to see how everyone was in their walk with the Lord, and what He is doing in their lives.  They prayed for one another, and looked at all they could do to support each other in what the Father is calling them to.  It was so deep, amazing, and real.  I couldn't help but think of my class reunion, where most people were drinking, and there was a lot of display of "I'm doing such and such, what have you done since high school??"  How amazing would it be if everyone when they got together really cared about how the other was doing more than displaying their accomplishments? 
We are in the midst of "Envisioning" this week, which is a time for all of the New Hope staff, from all over the country to come and focus on what God wants for the coming year.  I look forward to extended times of worship, and getting to know the heart of what this organization is about even more. 
Prayer points:
1.  I am just now starting the course work, and want to do a good job, keeping up, and with serving my family group.
2.  Pray that I would continue to have great time with the Lord, and I wouldn't loose focus because I'm busy.
3.  Pray that I will be a blessing in whatever way God wants to use me here, and that I can be a blessing to those back home in some small way.
4.  Most important, that God would be glorified.

I love and miss you all!  Till next time!

God and Uganda Calling Benefit Concert

So, as the departure date draws nearer (January 2, 2011), I need to raise people who will commit to praying for Uganda, me, and some money to purchase little things like plane tickets. 
Hence, the God and Uganda Calling Benefit Concert! 
Details:
Date: 10/9/10
Time: 6:30-9pm
Location: Venue 515, at 515 Manitou Avenue, Manitou Springs, Colorado
The real deal:
My talented sisters in Christ and closest of friends, Stephanie Pauline will be sharing her music, Moni will emcee, I will share what God has put into my heart with Uganda, and you all will be touched by the Lord while enjoying some light refreshments.  (The counter at Venue 515 will also be selling beverages)
It will be a great night of music, ministry and fun!  Feel free to bring yourself and any of your friends who need something to do on a Saturday night, all are welcome!
I'm so excited to share God's heart with you all, see you there!
You can go to Stephanie's website, listed above, to check out her story, her music, purchase music, and even prepurchase her upcoming music video for "Toy Soldier", as song that has moved not only me, but others-namely some kids in detention centers and residential treatment centers accross the country.  You will be moved straight into the heart of God by listening to her music.  (end of shameless plug) :)

just thoughts

Hi there.  Its becoming more real that I am leaving.  In a month, I'll be out of my apartment.  In 6 weeks, I'll be having a fundraising/information/concert for all of my friends, and in 4 months, I'll be on a plane for a land I've never seen, away from all that I know and love.  I'm so full of excitement, but also fear of the unknown, I love that about new beginnings.  I can't wait to see what God is going to do, and who I'll be after this is all over. 
Tonight I helped friend move back into town, and she kept saying, "I can't believe I'm here.  I feel like its just a trip, and I'll leave soon".  I expect I'll feel much the same when I arrive in Uganda.  I know it will feel like home, I just don't know if it will be right away, or not until it's time for me to go, or will it ever feel like home.  It's good to know that my home is in God's love, which will never leave me or forsake me.  I can rest the full weight of my anxiety and expectation on Him, and not be left wanting.  So good to know.

God's goodness

Well, after much prayer, tears, joy and fear, the time has come to go to Uganda!  I will be arriving there in January, and returning in June of 2011!  I have been accepted into the Institute of Child and Family.  So for my first trip there, I will be allowing God to dig into my heart and mind, revealing things that keep me from Him, keep me from ministering His heart effectively, as well as getting hands on experience working with kids orphaned by a variety of circumstances.  How great He is to care for the ones who are left with out home and love!  This is the God I serve!  The One who gave His life for the least, which is me, you, and everyone else on the planet, ever.  I am so loved by this God, whose name is Love, and who paid the highest price for me, how could I not give Him everything?  How could I not share this hope of love and home with anyone who is taking in breath?  Despite this Love, I don't share Him like I could, but I want to, Lord give me boldness to share Your Love with those who don't yet know You.
Okay, these are the questions I keep getting asked, so I'll save you the trouble and answer them ahead of time:
What about my job? 
I will apply for a leave of abscence for the time I'll be gone, so I have a job when I return.  I just don't know how long I'll be back in the states for, which may make it hard for them to accept me back.  Pray that God would reveal to me what needs to happen in this area.

What about my apartment?
I'm not keeping it, I plan on living with friends when I return, that way I don't have to pay rent or find someone to live in my place while I'm gone.
Also, I'm praying about leaving my place early, and staying with friends until I leave to save money.  Please pray with me about that.

What about Poser, the cat?
He needs a home!  Anyone looking for a handsome, purring, soft, dog-like sometimes bad cat that will sit on your lap while you watch tv, sleep with you at night and then bite you with no notice?  :)  If interested, let me know! 

Those are the basics.  Feel free to ask me any questions you'd like to! 

Still At It

Hello all, I wanted to post and let you know how its going, what is the latest, and to let you know after my last post that I am not severely depressed or suicidal. I was  struggling, but struggling with hope.  I'd love to answer your questions if you have any about why I wrote what I did, it would take more space than I have here to do it justice, but I would love to talk more if you have questions.

I heard from New Hope Uganda, and they asked if I was still interested in coming in January of 2011.  I said that I was, but also that I could wait if needed, as I trust the Lord's timing.  I don't know what that means, but they said they would get back to me in a shorter time than the previous span when I had not heard from them.  So, keep praying!  We'll see what God does!

I attached a link to a NY times article that gives an update about what the LRA and Joseph Kony are up to now.  I prayed for a long time that he would be kicked out of Uganda, and aparently he has left there, but only to wage more terror on other people in the Democratic Republic of the Cogno, and the Central African Republic.  Everything he does is so incredibly evil, please pray for God to bring him to justice and to Himself.  Many people prayed for Kony to leave Uganda, and he has.  Its proof our prayers are at work, we need to keep praying, as only an infinite and all powerful God can stop this kind of evil.  Please pray, people are being killed daily, kids are being abducted to be soldiers and child brides daily.  Even the smallest prayer is powerful, because it is spoken to the Most High God. 

a long look in the mirror

I could take this space to write about how I got a second chance at my Perspectives certificate, and acheived it.  I could take the time to tell you about how I should hear any day now  from New Hope Uganda about whether or not I have been accepted into their Institute of Child and Family.  I could focus on the things that seem to be going right, but that's not the whole truth.

God is showing me the true state of my charachter, and it aint pretty. 
I wish it were.  I wish that simply wanting things to change could change me.  Unfortunately, that is not enough.  In my job as a wraparound facilitator, it seems that I am not prioritizing the right things, that my energy is not being directed in the right areas, the thing I keep getting told is that I need to be more persistent, and be out with my clients more.  This is hard to talk about.  I guess I'm used to doing things when there's an emergency, or its down to the wire.  I want to be faithful in the small, day to day things, but that is not what I am seeing right now. 
I wish I could say this isn't the case in the whole of my life.  I have wanted to begin exercising this year, working towards a lofty goal of running a half marathon.  I have exercised a total of 3 times since January 1. 
I have also wanted to serve my community better, and the Burmese family I am working with doesn't see me as much as needed to be helpful.  I struggle with managing my finances well, and keeping my house clean.  This doesn't begin to touch all of things that I would like to be doing that I know are worth while.

I know it is not about what I do, I am under grace, and I am loved and worthwhile as I am, whether I perform well or poorly.  Jesus loves me as I am, and I am so grateful for that.  I want to serve Him faithfully, not to mention with excellence.  I want Him to say, "well done, good and faithful servant".  As much as I want to be a hard worker, as much as I want to be faithful and reliable, its not about wanting, its about action.  I can want the right things all day, but in the end, what I do, the choices I make, make up the content of my charachter.  I could deny this is the reality, but it would not serve me well.  I have been content in certain areas of my life with being average, and some of those things did lead to excellence later on.  I can't even claim average right now. 

So now, where is my hope?  Is my hope in me getting it right, pulling myself up by my boot straps?  Some of that is certainly needed.  But that is far too small and uncertain thing to hope in.  My hope is in this, "For what I am doing, I do not understand.  For what I will to do, that I do not practice; but what I hate, that I do.  If then, I do what I will not to do, I agree with the law that it is good.  But now, it is no longer I who do it, but sin that lives within me.  For I know that in me(that is, in my flesh) nothing good dwells; for to will is present with me, but how to perform what is good, I do not find....O wretched man that I am!  who will save me from this body of death?  I thank God- through Jesus Christ our Lord!  So then with the mind I myself serve the law of God, but with the flesh, the law of sin.  There is therefore now no condemnation to those who are in Christ Jesus"  Romans 7:15-18, 24-8:1a
I have no hope in my flesh, in my ability to get it right.  If its up to me, I will fail.  I could accomplish some things, but ultimately, it is a work of the flesh that will fail.  I am afraid.  I am afraid that I will embarrass myself and bring shame to my Lord.  I believe I am already there.  that means I have no where to go but up.  So the good news is, I have another chance.  I can choose differently tomorrow, but I may not.  My hope lies in the Holy Spirit in me. Jesus doesn't go the easy way, He paid the highest price for me.  Exactly what is the answer, I don't know.  But this I do know, Jesus will complete the good work He has begun in me.  He alone will save me from this body of death.  He is all my hope, and this is the hope that the world needs to hear so badly, use this broken flesh Lord, let Your glory be known.  "Let the Lamb that was slain receive the reward of His suffering!"

Goodness

So, since I posted last, it seems I need to clear some things up. I am going to Uganda, that is still my plan, if that wasn't clear after all of my ramblings last time. ;) thanks for your patience with me!

God is sooo good. He provided a person who wants to cover the entire cost of the New Hope Uganda Institute, which is $2,500. That is a huge chunk of what is needed for me to be able to go and attend, now all I need is money to live on and the cost of the plane ride. Nothing is to big for God to do, I hope this encourages you all in your faith, that God will come through at the right time with what you need, even when it seems impossible. It is so fun to take this adventure with Him.

I will be turning in my application for the institute this week. My current pastor has sent in his letter of recommendation, I'm waiting on two more, and then we'll see what happens next. Perhaps I'll be leaving in July for Uganda, and perhaps it will be January of 2011. I'm thinking it will be January, but I'm planning kinda for July, just in case they have an opening for me.

I'm just feeling thankful and expectant about what God is going to do, as He has done so much already. I will wait on Him, He's worth it.

For His glory alone...

Wow, sorry to those of you trying to follow my blog to keep up with what is going on with Uganda, but here is what has been goin' on.

I prayed, along with my loved ones, during the month of July, to see what God was saying. I was starting to think that maybe it was just me, and maybe God didn't really want me to go. What came out of that was that no one had any red or yellow lights about it, and that I needed to go on a short term trip. That made perfect sense to me!

In late August, I began taking the Perspectives course, which prepares you to share the gospel cross culturally. (BTY- God led a former alumni of Perspectives to pay for someone who was going through the class, and I was selected! Praise God!) Lesson number 2 is about the glory of God. The thing that hit home to me, is that just because I want to go, that does not necessarily mean I am called. So I prayed, a lot.

I met IAC's missions team, and told them about my journey with God and what has led me to believe that I am called to Uganda. I told them (see post #1) my story. I asked them not to just pray about whether or not I am called, but asked them to pray about what God gets out of this, how His name will be made great as a result, and if they couldn't see that, then I didn't want to go. They felt that it was already evident that God's name would be praised by this venture, which is the most important thing. It is so easy to loose track of who we are serving. It is so easy to believe that we are serving God, when we may be serving our own sense of self, adventure, or just our own kingdom making ourselves look good. There was a point when I was asking God and myself, "isn't just enough that I want to go?". I know the answer now, and it is a no. It's no if I am purporting to be going under the direction of God. So what's the point? The point for me is that it is easy to build a kingdom for myself and call it God's will. I get a lot of praise and pats on the back just for wanting to go, so it would be be easy to go and believe that God wanted that, when all that was really going on was me wanting some adventure, and some credit. Yuck. If any of you see this in me, feel free to show me my shortcoming.

After a lot of prayer, I do feel this is what God wants, but my pride is ever lurking, waiting to take the credit for something that is all the Lord. One of the things that has been a confirmation for me is my dear friend Moni, reminding me of a conversation we had not too long before I began to feel called to Uganda. We were talking about our lives and our future, and I said that I never thought I would go on a missions trip, as I felt I had enough work to do here.

Anyway, thanks for listening in on the life lesson I learned recently, but the missions team encouraged me to do some things: start serving with refugees here in the Springs, get more info on New Hope Uganda, and begin by going to New Hope's 4 month mission institute that prepares you to be a missionary, no matter where you are going to serve. I think that is all sound advice.
The more I learn about New Hope Uganda, the more I see God at work there.

What I know now is that the 4 month institute begins in January and July, so here's hopin' for July!

I'll keep you all posted! Thank you all for your prayers, they are so precious to me.

GO!

After the last post, I am sure some of you are wondering if I am still planning on going to Uganda, and the answer is a resounding yes! Even with the momentary distraction of a brief relationship, I was still planning on going, and nothing has happened to change that, although I did seriously question it, and for more reasons that just a relationship. However, since that time, being in prayer, asking God if He still wanted me in Uganda, I heard a loud, resounding, "GO!", so that I will. I will keep praying for clarity on the details of that command, and of course, keep you all posted. Keep praying!!

It takes time

This process takes time, and I knew it would, but its hard when you just don't hear anything. I wrote to the Diocese in N. Uganda in October, and I haven't heard anything back. I wrote my pastor and email, and his reponse was, "its Africa, things move slower there and they may not have access". So, I need to continue being patient.

In other news, one of the ministries I had been looking into going with, WorldVenture, recently updated their website for a Uganda based ministry, Hope Alive!. I previously had thought this was not a good fit, but after learning more, it seems to be very close to what I want to do. they would have an opening for me to go in the summer of 2010, which really isn't that far off, and would give me time to raise support. Check out what they are up to, hopealiveafrica.org

I really want to go to Uganda. I feel very called to go there, but now I have met somebody here, and they so far, are not feeling called to go. I don't know what God will do, or what He is asking of me, and I don't know enough about the future to know if and how this person will be a factor in the future. But only God and time will tell what the future holds for all of these questions and wonderings. Its funny how when your life changes, even a little bit, how you start to question other things you were sure of. Pray for me, that God will show me what He desires, that I would know His thoughts about the future, and not waiver from that, regardless of the cost. He is Lord, not me.

Go ahead...

I am so excited! Last week, Rev. Ken wrote to the Diocese in Northern Uganda (DNU) and I wrote to Willy Akena, who has a blog for the DNU, and both said that I could come!! They did say that they don't have any money to support me, which I figured, honestly, I didn't even think that would have been a possibility. So they said we could start getting to know each other better.

Rev. Ken said that he would introduce me to a couple who was on the mission field in Africa for a lot of years to get information from them about what kinds of questions to be asking and information to look for.

I was praying that God would open a door, just so that I knew I was still on the right track, and He was faithful as always to answer my prayer. I'm so grateful to be in service of this mighty God who knows my name, and sees the plight of the poor and needy and holds the whole universe together without loosing track of anything. Thank you all for your prayers! Keep it up!!

What's up with Uganda you ask?

Just as an update, I met a Ugandan Bishop a couple of weeks ago, and he gave me his contact information. I emailed him and he invited me to come and work with his organization,(which is not working with the kids affected by the war) and said I could stay with him, and even offered to take me to Northern Uganda to meet the Anglican Bishops there. Somewhat exciting, except that he seemed to really want me to work with his mission more than help me get to the place I feel led to.

I have been working with my Pastor, who is a priest in the Anglican church actually, to try to get to Northern Uganda. He has sent an email to a bishop there, and may even know someone else there.

I resent some emails I mentioned before in the "irons in the fire" post, but haven't heard back from any of them yet. Time to keep praying!

waiting in the wings

This is all so new and different for me. It's an interesting thing having a call and a passion in your heart, but no visible way yet seen into the future to live it out. But, I guess the living it out part isn't really true, I can always live out the passion God has given me. I can continue to pray for the Acholi and others affected by the war, I can serve my community here, I can continue putting irons in the fire, and I can wait with a heart full of faith instead of fear. That feels like a much better use of my mental energy instead of pining away for the future. (can you tell I am just letting my mind run here??!!??) That of course is all much easier said than done. I understand this is a time of preparation, of waiting on the Lord, of looking only to Him to accomplish what I cannot. I can't help but get excited and nervous and anxious even, wanting go, wanting to know what's next, wanting to see how God is going to bring it all about. And, after that subsides for the moment, there is the wating again. It's odd though, as much as I want to see things come together quickly, I feel this odd peace, a peace that passes understanding, if you will :), and it is so great. Its this great peace from the Lord that says, "You are called, and it is coming, just continue to wait on me, peace, you are doing what I ask at this time." And so I wait with a full heart, not impatient, but axiously (the good kind) awaiting God's revalation. Ahh, how sweet it is. God, you are so truely good. I love you.

Talking with the folks

Well, I just shared with my folks the entirety of the situation in Uganda, and so now they know why I want to go (not sure they completly understand why I would want to do that...). Its kind of a hard thing, preparing your folks for something they would never want you to do, but it is also really cool to realize that you have the kind of parents who want you to do what God wants, even if it isn't easy, and that you have the kind of parents who raised you to care deeply about the things that God cares about. They didn't discourage me from going, neither did they say that I absolutely should go, but they agreed to pray for me, and since this is all still new to them, I think that is quite a lot. I'm so grateful to know that I have parents who will pray for me every day while I'm gone, and will support me in any way they possibly can, despite any fears they may have. I wish everyone had parents like mine.

Mom and dad, when you read this, know that I love you, and I am so blessed to have two parents who love me like you do, I don't know what I'd do with out you, your the best. Your daughter, Jenny

Peace talks in Northern Uganda

Follow this link to the Invisible Children website to learn what is happeing now to end the conflict in Uganda, and then pray. Please

http://www.invisiblechildren.com/news&press/news/detail.php?pID=614458811