I could take this space to write about how I got a second chance at my Perspectives certificate, and acheived it. I could take the time to tell you about how I should hear any day now from New Hope Uganda about whether or not I have been accepted into their Institute of Child and Family. I could focus on the things that seem to be going right, but that's not the whole truth.
God is showing me the true state of my charachter, and it aint pretty.
I wish it were. I wish that simply wanting things to change could change me. Unfortunately, that is not enough. In my job as a wraparound facilitator, it seems that I am not prioritizing the right things, that my energy is not being directed in the right areas, the thing I keep getting told is that I need to be more persistent, and be out with my clients more. This is hard to talk about. I guess I'm used to doing things when there's an emergency, or its down to the wire. I want to be faithful in the small, day to day things, but that is not what I am seeing right now.
I wish I could say this isn't the case in the whole of my life. I have wanted to begin exercising this year, working towards a lofty goal of running a half marathon. I have exercised a total of 3 times since January 1.
I have also wanted to serve my community better, and the Burmese family I am working with doesn't see me as much as needed to be helpful. I struggle with managing my finances well, and keeping my house clean. This doesn't begin to touch all of things that I would like to be doing that I know are worth while.
I know it is not about what I do, I am under grace, and I am loved and worthwhile as I am, whether I perform well or poorly. Jesus loves me as I am, and I am so grateful for that. I want to serve Him faithfully, not to mention with excellence. I want Him to say, "well done, good and faithful servant". As much as I want to be a hard worker, as much as I want to be faithful and reliable, its not about wanting, its about action. I can want the right things all day, but in the end, what I do, the choices I make, make up the content of my charachter. I could deny this is the reality, but it would not serve me well. I have been content in certain areas of my life with being average, and some of those things did lead to excellence later on. I can't even claim average right now.
So now, where is my hope? Is my hope in me getting it right, pulling myself up by my boot straps? Some of that is certainly needed. But that is far too small and uncertain thing to hope in. My hope is in this, "For what I am doing, I do not understand. For what I will to do, that I do not practice; but what I hate, that I do. If then, I do what I will not to do, I agree with the law that it is good. But now, it is no longer I who do it, but sin that lives within me. For I know that in me(that is, in my flesh) nothing good dwells; for to will is present with me, but how to perform what is good, I do not find....O wretched man that I am! who will save me from this body of death? I thank God- through Jesus Christ our Lord! So then with the mind I myself serve the law of God, but with the flesh, the law of sin. There is therefore now no condemnation to those who are in Christ Jesus" Romans 7:15-18, 24-8:1a
I have no hope in my flesh, in my ability to get it right. If its up to me, I will fail. I could accomplish some things, but ultimately, it is a work of the flesh that will fail. I am afraid. I am afraid that I will embarrass myself and bring shame to my Lord. I believe I am already there. that means I have no where to go but up. So the good news is, I have another chance. I can choose differently tomorrow, but I may not. My hope lies in the Holy Spirit in me. Jesus doesn't go the easy way, He paid the highest price for me. Exactly what is the answer, I don't know. But this I do know, Jesus will complete the good work He has begun in me. He alone will save me from this body of death. He is all my hope, and this is the hope that the world needs to hear so badly, use this broken flesh Lord, let Your glory be known. "Let the Lamb that was slain receive the reward of His suffering!"
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