Today, Sunday November 6th, was Orphan Sunday. At church Mike talked about how we all have known what it is to be orphaned, to feel alone, abandoned, and afraid. Many of you who know me, know that I have struggled with this a lot in my life. For those of you who don't know me that well, my dad is a very hard worker. I'm always proud of this work ethic in my dad. The downside of this was, that while I was growing up, I felt alone and abandoned by him. He was working in many corners of the state, working at home(the few hours he was able to be home a week), working at church, doing paperwork when he was home. I didn't see my place in his life. I felt unimportant. I felt neglected. I felt worthless.
My dad did not know I felt those things. He loved me and was loving me in the best way he knew how, to provide for us and work hard. He didn't know my heart was breaking for his influence in my life. I needed to know that he cared, that I mattered to him, that I was worthwhile. Even now, as I write this, tears fill my eyes. I didn't know it, but I was an orphan.
For a long time, I couldn't see God as Father, let alone Abba, Daddy. I had this picture in my head of God-The Architect of the universe, busy, looking over plans with other important godly figures in heaven. I was sitting in His line of sight, my knees pulled up close to my chest, rocking back and forth, watching, waiting for a look, a glance, maybe even some contact. He did look at me. He did see me, but I never saw us interacting beyond that. My heart was still not desired.
Several years ago, God met me and revealed Himself to me as Father. I saw that I was not alone, that I was infinitely loved and cared for. Provided for and seen. God showed me this through His word, through friends who could share this truth with me, and in times of quiet with Him. However, I did not trust Him enough to let Him be my Abba, my Daddy. That felt too personal, too risky. He still felt distant somehow, loving, but not close.
While I was in the Institute in Uganda, we came to the section where we looked at God as Father, as Daddy. Keith challenged us to call God Daddy, to come very close and see that all of the striving for love had it's end in the arms of God. Even as Keith talked, I cried, and sobbed, and heaved. I wanted God to be my Daddy, but that still seemed unsafe. I couldn't trust Him that much. A distant but loving Father was familiar and predictable. A Daddy was new, different, and closer to my heart than even I knew. Even as I wanted to reject God as Daddy, my heart was crying out for Him to be just that. A Daddy who knew me intimately, who loved me relentlessly, who let me know Him and was available. That's what I never had. A dad I felt was available. Uncle Paul was teaching one day on this and said of our God, "He's always available". That hit me like a ton of bricks. Really, always available? The Architect of the universe not only knows my name but is always available, to me? Uncle Paul said it again the next day. God met me. He spoke to my fears of always being fatherless and alone. This is my journal entry, 2/22/11, a day that I became un-orphaned,
"Sweet Daddy, thank you for teaching me about Yourself and the type of Father that You are. You are available. Available! I never dreamed that I would have an Abba (Hebrew for daddy) who was always available to me. You say You will never leave me or forsake me and You are always with me. Your attention for me is not interrupted or distracted. How can that be?? You have a universe to run!! You have placed all Your love and grace and resources on me, for Your glory, that I might bring You glory Lord! You have called me Sought After and I have always felt anything but. However, I keep hearing You say it to me, and calling me by my new name, Sought After. It's hard to believe that You are so good, after that- how good You are to me, after that-You call me by name, after that- You are my Sweet Abba. You are my Sweet Abba and You love me! and I love You. My love is so little and fickle and shallow..... Help me to live as a daughter who is Beloved and Sought After, not as an orphan or a slave. You have brought me into Your house. You have chosen me and You chose me before the foundation of the world. You have an inheritance for me and that Inheritance is You. How amazing and wonderful and marvelous You are! You are enough for me. Your Daughter, Jenny"
Today, on Orphan Sunday, I am un-orphaned. I am a daughter of the Most High God, and as He has given me in Isaiah 62:12, "They will call you the Holy People, the Redeemed of the Lord; and you will be called Sought After, a City No Longer Forsaken".
This is what I long to share with every person who will listen, for every person who has felt and known that loneliness and despair, that you have a Daddy who loves you, and no matter what experience of fathers you have had in this life, you are not unloved, or unimportant, or neglected. You have a Father who longs to show You his full attention, love and grace.
